Mission Accomplished

Well, as of next week, it will have been a complete year since I moved out here to Washington. There has been a bit of struggle, however not more than I could handle.

It's been a while since I last posted, and there has been a lot going on. For a moment I began to wonder if writing these blogs even did anyone any good; the folks I hope to encourage. I wondered if I was being redundant and if there was any progression. I found out from a few that writing these blogs are useful/ helpful, and if there is even one person that I can encourage by sharing my own lessons, it is definitely worth it. So, here it is...

In the past month or so, I've mostly been working with the custom framing, no longer training. After I left Bally's, I wanted to focus on my art and really start researching how to make money as an artist. The minute I changed my focus, things fell into place once again. I've had ample time to paint and being that I deal with artwork everyday, almost instantly people started chatting me up about galleries and artists. It must've been a day after making the decision to focus on painting that a woman came into the store, recently moved to Seattle from L.A, and told me about a gallery in the area that was having an opening for anyone with $15 and a 12x12 image. I immediately went home to research it and got painting. In short, the opening was at Parklane Gallery in Kirkland, WA, and was VERY exciting. My brother even bought a piece from me! It was my final goal attained. I moved here to get back to the true Kelli Nicole and find confidence in what my passions are and what sets me apart. The training is/ has been very successful and so has my art.

Now for the major update- I'm moving to Florida on December 28th. The one-way ticket has been purchased and I know my new address! Why Florida? Well, in short, my girlfriend is there. Anyone who knows me, should know by now, or at least since the first move to Philly, packing it up is not a big deal to me. Initially, she was going to move here, but the more that time has passed, I've realized I don't like being so far away from family and friends and pretty much everything that I could easily get to in a day-trip. From here, it would be a weekend before I got to the destination. I'm not moving back to Michigan, but if I needed to get to my family (parents), I could still get to them in the same day. So, even though Clem offered to leave everything behind, I knew that if I wasn't 100% in love with EVERYTHING about this beautiful place, I wasn't going to ask her to leave everything behind. Maybe just the fact that she offered/ insisted was enough.

Not everyone is happy about my departure, considering how well things have been going here in WA, but it's not about the place. I realized so many things about myself and my capabilities with a little bit of confidence and focus, that it doesn't matter where I am. What matters is where my head and heart is. Yes, there were plenty of opportunities here, but had I not taken advantage of them, I would be none the wiser. It is who we are and what we are willing to do in our pursuit of success, however you define it, that will make an opportunity show itself. In one year, I did everything I came here to do- no connects, no history here, just the comfort of my brother and sister's support. By believing in my plans without having to know the beginning and end, finding my way around and simply showing up ready to do whatever it took, it all worked out. I plan to do the same in FL.

I'm not just moving for my relationship. I'm moving to begin the life I desire, now that I have all of my tools. 2011 was like, Kelli 101, now I'm going to the next level, and I happen to have someone I can share the next level with :) I am ready to shoot off like a rocket.

The next post will probably be in 2012 after I settle in a bit, but the plan is to continue with the training, continue painting, open my own gallery and have shows regularly. Stay with me, and I'll be sure to keep you posted!

We motivate each other, and I appreciate every bit of love and support.

For The First Time

So, I have a few jobs, no longer at Ballys, which is okay, but I'm still training (in-home) and I'm still receiving the good in life and it's full of favor!  Yesterday I was at work; at Michaels doing my custom framing gig, and as I worked trying to meet deadlines and help people recreate their masterpieces, I had a moment.  Now I'm not going to lie, I do have a slight ego problem with having WMU in one pocket, Palmer Theological Seminary in another pocket, and AIP  (Art Institute of Philadelphia) in another pocket!  Sometimes, I'm sweeping the floors at night in this retail store and I can't help but feel some kind of way.  I have friends making money hand over fist, more than they might EVER NEED, I'm making more less than half of what my check would be if I still worked at the prison, and my boss is 22.  Actually, several of my bosses are barely making it into the club!  Okay, this is beside the point.  I'll get to it.

I stood at my workspace, reaching for this tool, that piece of work, a little bit of wire and smiling to myself, proud of some order that I had just put together for some lady who was completely hopeless when she came in the store.  Then, I had a thought.  For the first time in my life, I thought to myself, "I love my job.  I could do this forever."  I began to think about how I have several jobs and I love them all (writing, training, framing).  They represent me as accurately as a job can.  I am an artist.  I say this often because it only became easy for me to say a couple of years ago.  Even with that degree in Art and having had created so many things from childhood, I'd never had the confidence to say to someone, "I am an artist".  I remember crying to my ex a few years back about not really feeling like I had an identity.  Once school was over, I couldn't just say, "I'm a full-time student," anymore. All my friends at the time were doing what they loved, and I was a CO.  Made good money, but not proud at all.  It had nothing to do with who Kelli Nicole was.   So, I stood there thinking about how appropriate it was that me, the artist, would inevitably fall in love with this framing job, because it allows me to be my whole self.  I am nurturing and catering to the artist  in me everyday.  I'm typically the one that needs some kind of change after 6 months at a job.  Not this time.  

I'm happy.  I set out to Washington almost a year ago to find my self worth.  I knew it would be a struggle.  As I was leaving Philly, I had no desire to go anymore, but it was necessary.  I knew that it wasn't just a move into some kind of independence, it was a move into feeling confident about who I am; finding my identity, and for once, being secure in ME.  Now,  I feel like I can make anything happen in my favor that I want to happen.  I've already done it!

Living In the Space We Create

It's been a while, so I actually put this on my To Do List today.

I'm not perfect. Yes, I know this.  I'm not greater than, better than, more important, less of a problem, first of all, and I am sure that more often than not, my science/math is flawed, but I roll with it.  I'm not bashing myself or being hard on myself, but my point is that there is only me in this world of mine.  I look around and I see how things happen in other people's worlds or how things I've been waiting on for myself seem to fly right by me and land in the next person's lap.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  This is me relating to those that might choose to read this.

Most recently I had a conversation with someone that had become frustrated about life "happening" for those that seem to not deserve it.  In short, I responded that they did the work and made life happen in their favor.  We can all do that.  (This is the completely watered down version...I went on and on for a good 10-15mins!)

When I say that there is only me in my world, I am simply saying that the behaviors I practice, the opportunities I take advantage of, or not, and how I choose to be a part of other people's lives, is independent of what anyone else is doing or who they are.  Every action has a reaction and we all know this.  Everyday, my mission is to move forward and seek out the ways of how I believe I can be better.  I can't do what you do or what anyone else did to be a better me, because your functions aren't my own.  Now, I can become a better me by taking notes on other people's lessons or practices, but that doesn't mean I do it how they did it.  As far as I'm concerned, the best version of me is the fine tuned and sharpened me.  I've made enough mistakes, had enough losses, broken enough hearts (including my own), and fallen flat on my face out of pride and being stubborn to know what WILL NOT work for ME.

Sometimes we just need to reflect on when we were at our best, or figure out what our best is for us, no one else.  There is only failure in not trying or refusing to show up for your part.  So show up already.  Do something that makes you happy.  Work on something all the way through and finish it!  Take a moment from this vast space and overwhelming view of the worlds around you and focus on your's.  You know how it operates, what the catalysts are and how to get the best results.  Do it already.  I support that.

Becoming Whole

It's been much too long since the last blog...

There's always this sorting of what to unveil, what to keep private, and what private matters should be best dispersed for the purpose of connecting to that individual that might feel like there in a one man/woman race.

Had a very short conversation yesterday about being whole and the feeling of being whole as an ultimate goal. For many years the prayers I sent up were all about being made whole and new. I never realized how I would eventually achieve this feeling/ this ultimate goal, and the not knowing was my constant detour. So, yesterday the question that was posed to me was, "What are you going to do when you get all of these 'things' (reference to me saying that there's things I want for myself) and you have no one to share them with?" Without hesitation, or really even thinking about how to answer correctly, I responded that my search isn't about things- I've had things before. For the most part I've never been without things. My desire is to feel whole. My goal is to get to a place that I have essentially worked very hard for and be able to appreciate ME. "Being a whole person, not a person in a relationship feeling as if I can't bring anything of equal value (not just monetary) to the table, but confident in myself and what I can provide and how I can show up, is what I am seeking. If I can make it to that place of feeling whole, and I had no one to share that with, I would still be content with my life because it would be a whole me, and I can handle that." Now this is all in context to being in a relationship, but I continued to think on this because like I said, I had no idea this was my response before I opened my mouth.

So, here I am blogging about being whole. Everything I packed up and my reasons for moving is being given to me. Of course I have to put in the work (in most cases, but not all :)), but the work I am having to do is helping me grow with less pains, and making me happy when I'm doing them. I am excited about the process and the progress. I've been telling myself and people around me that showing up is the most important part of receiving the good in life. When I made the announcement at my old job back in PA that I was moving out to Seattle, practically every response was, "For what?" and, "What are you gonna do out there?" My reply, "I need a change of pace. I'm gonna train and do my artwork- hustle!" Yesterday, as I was finishing up a commissioned piece and talking with a loved one, I realized that I was living my dream. Ultimately, I want to be able to make a living with my artwork alone, but I've made good money just this year, in this space, through my artwork. I'm in motion and had no idea that I'm as close to my dream as I am. This is what me being whole looks like. I am completely me (an artist), and I have no desires that I can't get for myself. I just had to start doing my own work.

Being the baby in the family and always having been well taken care of by someone, I never had to struggle or go without or anything like that. So, with that comes the desire to struggle, the exact opposite of people who did grow up struggling and did all they could to never be back in that place. Well, my struggle came into action for the past couple years, as an adult. Not when you want to have your dreams deferred! So, for these past couple years, I've just wanted to be able to hold my own. To be responsible for my outcomes and to be successful at everything I put my mind and hands to. This is my notion of being whole. I'm not there, but I'm extremely close. I could put a date on it, if I wanted to test the universe! But, I have no timeframe and no rush is necessary. I've made it to this place in under a year, and I'm clear across the country from where I started and just gathering my necessary pieces.

I'm happy and very close to whole.

Sometimes We Just Have To Know

It's been a few weeks since the last entry, but I am careful with my writing dependent on my emotional state, which has been something like a kaleidoscope.

The past few weeks have been full of blessings and a bit of heartache, but all in all, good foundation has been put into place. There's an understanding that I like to focus on, which is basically that my life is what I make it. I know that's not news or the first time anyone has said it, but there is a difference in knowing it and believing it. I feel like most people definitely know it; you put in the work, you get results. However, to take it a step further, I feel that if you believe it in your heart, as well as know it as truth, the things that your heart desires most will fall into place. The seeds that you've sewn will begin to bare fruit.

This perspective comes from my own personal journey throughout my life. In the last few months, I've blogged about showing up, not being fearful of what's to come, and ultimately just recognizing the good in life. It's no secret that I'm a follower of Christ, not religion, and I stand on the relationship that we have. I don't impress what I believe onto other people, but I make my stance no secret.

Several times this year, I have found myself stressed about bills, relationships, my future and the lack of clarity as to which way it would go, but I had to change that. I'm not the type of person to allow stress to take hold of me, so when I find that it has, I give myself just a small amount of time (less than 24hrs) to shake it off. The stress I had was about things that I couldn't do anything about and if I could, then I needed to change the situation. So, I literally took a step back and told myself not to worry about these things. I had to be okay with outcomes that I couldn't predict and believe things would be fine based on the facts; I live a life that is blessed through and through, I have no reason to stress. The next day, things were happening for me and cleared up everything that I was worried about.

Well, for a little while I forgot to practice this way of thinking. I believed it to be true because it worked for me, but not knowing that I could just as easily get right back into that way of living, I was stuck for a while (more than a day).

Last Friday, I was having this conversation with my BFF, and he had to remind me that I am in control of the life I want to live. It was the most enlightening day I have ever had. It wasn't just that I remembered I could change my situation emotionally, it was also me realizing who I am. In short, I am very talented and nothing can stop me. Realizing our worth and capabilities is something that I feel most people never really seek out. Well, I'm here to say it makes a difference. In under a week, I have been given new tires for my truck (4), gotten two more jobs that don't conflict with one another, sold a painting and picked up 3 new clients at the gym...amongst other things. I can't express how good life feels right now, but imagine feeling very low, and instantly winning the lottery! That's what it feels like. I could still be stressed about some of the same things, but WHY!? Right now, the good is outweighing the bad, and the bad isn't really bad, it's more like temporary. I can handle that.

The seeds that we sew in our lives can be good seeds or bad seeds. We can't plant weeds and expect roses. That's not how this works. There's a lot of different terminology that can be used in a conversation such as this, but there is only one point- Know in your heart and mind that you can change your circumstances if you don't like it. If you are stressed, choose to be done with stress. It does no good for anyone, and it's not even productive. Why waste the energy?! I encourage you to try it. As a matter of fact, let me know how it goes.

Quiet Time

It seems that since I've moved out here to WA, I have been on an ever-moving pathway. I am most encouraged to know that I've been moving forward, even if only inches. What I've been reflecting on most recently is that I am moving through seasons. Now personally, I know (and most who know me) that it's full court press when I have my sights set on something, and as the fire dies, I set my sights on another area. It can be a good or bad thing, but I see it as adventurous, which freaks most people out! How do you settle on one thing for some unlimited amount of time when you are capable of so many things? So this is where my head has been lately.

Wait- Typically, fasting is kept as a secrecy, but in this case, I'm sharing with you all that I am, because it is making all the difference right now. It is my way of being in solidarity with one of my guys in Graterford. It does your spirit some good to be on one accord with someone, and the goal is growth. I feel like the fast came right on time, because while all these moments of quiet are pretty forced, my body is also being forced to sustain in an uncomfortable way as well. My comfort zone is being set further and further away...I'm okay with that.

So, my best friend, Qadree, left for Afghanistan last week, and we talked everyday, several times a day. So, needless to say, that constant flow of venting or just thinking out loud with a bit of feedback has slowed up quite a bit. My other phone conversations have come to a halt as well. I find that I'm not used to my space being so quiet. I'm not used to keeping things in, so I meditate (if I'm not watching 24!). I'm writing and painting and praying. I'm moving forward. I am working to better understand myself and the relationships around me. People come into our lives at different times and for different reasons, and eventually we find out why, if we've been paying attention. Sometimes the issue just becomes, how long are they supposed to stay and what is it that we are to get from or give to them when it comes to purpose and growth.

I have so many goals, mainly just complete independence, but I would like to see that all the way through. I want a house for myself and to be in a position to help all the people that have helped me along in some way, without it being a struggle. Perhaps my reason for giving a try at all my gifts every now and then is because the ultimate desire is to stay with the one that gives me sustaining joy; the gift that I can utilize that will allow me to grow completely, as well as have complete freedom to comfortably move around in this life. I've never believed in doing things/working in a place that doesn't make us happy or fill us with joy, so I know that's not the life I'm destined to live. I believe in struggle and pushing ourselves, but the results should be positive/edifying.

In this quiet time, these are the things that I'm focusing on. I encourage you to take some personal time to reflect and possibly piece together a plan that will allow you to be your best possible self.

Is It Enough?

The roller coasters no longer have height limitations

and seem to be absent of loopty-loops.

They have higher heights and

rage into deeper valleys.

I stand back wondering how to go about

fixing these magnificent waves of turmoil,

but it is not my own to freely go about banging,

checking weak areas,

tightening loose joints,

applying more oil

and wiping away condensation.

Carrying heavy loads suggests

we use our knees, not our backs.

So I pray without ceasing,

for those that don't,

for those that cease,

for those that lay down.

There is conditioning required

when more weight is added

to prevent injury.

My conditions lack.

I want to have the answer.

I want to apply the salve.

I speak to the Balm,

Lord please...

So I remember,

"To whom much is given..."

I wait for assistance.

And sometimes prayer is all we've got- all that I've got.

Remove the sickness.

Let Your will be done.

Encamp Your angels all around.

Forgive us.

Mend the broken heart.

Show her what she's worth.

Give him refuge.

If she WANTS to believe, let me be more like you, with more of you in me.

Believing it is already done.

So Many Reasons To Be Grateful, I Wish I Spoke Several Languages

"Life is good," is what I keep playing over and over in my head. I am grateful. I have no complaints and even when I could have, I chose to be grateful for what I didn't have a complaint about. It feels like life is falling into place. Not just falling into place, but the day to day living has been enhanced with good company, good conversations, fighting for my hearts desires, painting, working with/for family, and getting to spend time with people that listen and know the core of me; why I operate the way I do.

A close family member was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and although waking up in this reality can be hard for her, she has still managed to find the pros in this sneak attack and conjure up a smile. Life is still young for her and there are so many reasons that depression could easily set in and begin to spread, but that is not the route she has chosen. How foolish would I be to complain of anything.

Keep her in your prayers.

I am currently in the middle of my next painting, which is more of a representation of something much larger. A friend has commissioned me to help decorate her new place with my work and so far she loves what I've come up with. Not good at pricing my work, but doing work for the people I love is so priceless. I should be done with this representation by tomorrow and I'll get it posted.

Just before posting this blog, I finished applying for this call to artists here in Seattle. I began painting like I've been because of it, and I knew I had to get some work together. I had to have at least 8-20 images for them to choose from. Basically the committee is looking for vibrant colors and images that can be seen from near and far. That's me right!? I feel confident that I'll get at least ONE image chosen out of the 8 I sent in. There can be up to 3 images chosen, but I'll take the one. They pay $1000 for each, if chosen.

...and breath.

I am constantly surrounded by art, great people and family. Although my confidence in such areas like who I am, my purpose, my style as an artist, and being the friend/family/confidant/partner that the people around me need me to be, I am confident in knowing that everyday I do the most I can to remain honest when I say, "I am trying."

To you and to me, I am grateful for the role you've played in my life.

Go ahead, Get Comfy

The last week or so has been such an emotional roller coaster. Of course there's the ever-present bills that are due and over due, then there's the never-ending fight to maintain and sustain relationships, and at the end of it all, staying hopeful despite what may seem obvious.

It's been about a week since the last painting, but I intend to get started on the next one today. I plan to enter a few of them into this competition for placing art in the community. There is a monetary reward for them, but it's weird because that's what we want ultimately, yet that's not easy for me to succumb to. It's like I have to put a price on this part of me, this extension of myself and hope someone finds it worth their time/money. What am I doing for real?

On another note, I got to do some manual labor over the past two days and make a nice piece of change. It feels like the catching up is coming to an end, and I would like to just get ahead from there.

I saw SAMO last night

in a woman's home.

Hanging there, overexposed

All vulnerable and premature.

I could've touched him,

but he touched me.

As I received each word from his blackboard,

My eyes welled up

I hid behind the balusters

waiting.

Raptures and What Not

So, if you're reading this, it's safe to say you didn't make it into heaven for the first go 'round.

The jokes have been endless...really. I mean really, it's been the end of days since the beginning of days and predictions are being made every time someone gets creatively obsessed. I'm over it, BUT I will continue with residual laughter.

Besides waking up on Saturday morning, the weekends are becoming more work and play. My weekend bootcamps aren't moving forward as I hoped they would by now, but until there's reason to stop, I'll keep showing up.

I am determined to get into somebody's gallery and I also have to keep my motivation at a 10. I finished drawing up the next painting, which took much concentration and several breaks. I'll lay down the paint today.

I had several interesting conversations this weekend, and within each of them I think I found out a little bit more about me. If I could create an umbrella to encompass these conversations, it would simply be about love, compassion and control.

I am a lover. I love hard, unconditionally and sometimes to extents that leave me wanting more of it. Pretty safe to say, as we get to know people, we share and we withhold. I've found that I am more likely to share, in hopes that something genuine and solid can form a foundation for future disclosure. However, when rejection answers my call, I'm left with less of me and a more calculated way of being. Calculating the emotions and desires that are/should be organic, leaves a very insecure state of being.

Just follow me...I'm putting some cards on the table.

So, this is the thing...

I want to encourage people to love like it's brand new every time. In loving folks just for being present in your life, you can heal some broken places and you may even be withholding the key they've needed to unlock the hiding place no one ever found them in. It seems to me, when you really pay attention, as well as listen to people, you bridge a gap. Just because we don't have the same situations, doesn't mean we can't have the same range of emotion. My point being, sometimes we just need to walk it out with people; meet them where they are. If you have joys or pains, use that memory and familiarity to connect. Make the connection and inspire. You never know, you might be the one in need.

It's Happening

Yesterday I finished the semi-mural for my hiking buddy's kid's bathroom. I had a ball painting. I spent all day Tuesday working on it and about an hour yesterday. I love it! I love being able to do what I love for a portion of my living. It's like, if I were a little kid, I'd be getting paid for recess! I'm gaining confidence in myself and my gifts, and I can't help but feel like I'm moving forward; being prepared for an awesome future. Bally isn't my ideal place to be, but I do love what I get to do while I'm there. I'm in a place where I absolutely love everything I'm doing, and that's everything.

I'm still waiting to hear back about the job, but I don't feel as anxious and my spirit has finally calmed down as far as the, "what then, if it doesn't happen?" I recognize that whatever happens, will still be good for me. We can choose our paths, and sometimes, when there's some sub-path that we didn't see coming, we freak out. I'm not freaking out. I've named my life's motto, Just Show Up, and that is what I intend to do. It seems that when I just simply show up, I am able to receive whatever is meant for me, and sometimes even more than I could've imagined.

Stay Motivated.

It Just Feels Good

I can't say that I'm overly certain on anything, but I can say that everything that's been happening just feels good. I had an amazing workout this morning with one of my clients that's almost 60, and she does EVERYTHING I ask of her (nothing lightweight)! That makes a trainer's day. I came straight home after our session, and I began working on more of my portfolio for the art-based job that I want.

So, as I'm photoshopping out the nonsense and posting and captioning, I get a call about the health column that I do for Fallschurch.patch.com. There is a council woman over there in VA that appreciates the column and was happy to see something geared towards women. I got so excited! I guess, as Dre (the editor/my BF-inlaw) tells it, there's a lot of feedback on my little column. Seems that it's worthy of more than I thought, too.

I'm just happy. I'm working hard/ being responsible, and my gifts are really working for me. I'm still waiting on feedback for the job with Urban Outfitters (Northwest District Display Coordinator), so just keep me in your prayers.

Thanks in Advance

I AM AMAZING... i think.

This has been an extremely productive/ push through kinda weekend. I am turning a corner right now into my art and looking for jobs to support that. I'm getting blogs together, trying to get my portfolio together and working on my ever-changing resume.

I've found that it is the things I am most comfortable with, that I am also most insecure about. You know how when you're learning how to do something, there's no real fear, because it is understood that you're learning? Well, my fear comes from the fact that I am pretty well versed in my capabilities, but in putting myself out there, I am saying, "Yes, I am ready to be judged."

Right now, the job I am truly hoping for, is a job with Urban Outfitters to create displays in the store. I'm talking about building, creating, pushing limits and power tools. It had to have been made for me! Well, I want it. I'm nervous about it, but I want it! If you know me (or not) and you love me (or not), say a little prayer for me in hopes that I get it.