There's always this sorting of what to unveil, what to keep private, and what private matters should be best dispersed for the purpose of connecting to that individual that might feel like there in a one man/woman race.
Had a very short conversation yesterday about being whole and the feeling of being whole as an ultimate goal. For many years the prayers I sent up were all about being made whole and new. I never realized how I would eventually achieve this feeling/ this ultimate goal, and the not knowing was my constant detour. So, yesterday the question that was posed to me was, "What are you going to do when you get all of these 'things' (reference to me saying that there's things I want for myself) and you have no one to share them with?" Without hesitation, or really even thinking about how to answer correctly, I responded that my search isn't about things- I've had things before. For the most part I've never been without things. My desire is to feel whole. My goal is to get to a place that I have essentially worked very hard for and be able to appreciate ME. "Being a whole person, not a person in a relationship feeling as if I can't bring anything of equal value (not just monetary) to the table, but confident in myself and what I can provide and how I can show up, is what I am seeking. If I can make it to that place of feeling whole, and I had no one to share that with, I would still be content with my life because it would be a whole me, and I can handle that." Now this is all in context to being in a relationship, but I continued to think on this because like I said, I had no idea this was my response before I opened my mouth.
So, here I am blogging about being whole. Everything I packed up and my reasons for moving is being given to me. Of course I have to put in the work (in most cases, but not all :)), but the work I am having to do is helping me grow with less pains, and making me happy when I'm doing them. I am excited about the process and the progress. I've been telling myself and people around me that showing up is the most important part of receiving the good in life. When I made the announcement at my old job back in PA that I was moving out to Seattle, practically every response was, "For what?" and, "What are you gonna do out there?" My reply, "I need a change of pace. I'm gonna train and do my artwork- hustle!" Yesterday, as I was finishing up a commissioned piece and talking with a loved one, I realized that I was living my dream. Ultimately, I want to be able to make a living with my artwork alone, but I've made good money just this year, in this space, through my artwork. I'm in motion and had no idea that I'm as close to my dream as I am. This is what me being whole looks like. I am completely me (an artist), and I have no desires that I can't get for myself. I just had to start doing my own work.
Being the baby in the family and always having been well taken care of by someone, I never had to struggle or go without or anything like that. So, with that comes the desire to struggle, the exact opposite of people who did grow up struggling and did all they could to never be back in that place. Well, my struggle came into action for the past couple years, as an adult. Not when you want to have your dreams deferred! So, for these past couple years, I've just wanted to be able to hold my own. To be responsible for my outcomes and to be successful at everything I put my mind and hands to. This is my notion of being whole. I'm not there, but I'm extremely close. I could put a date on it, if I wanted to test the universe! But, I have no timeframe and no rush is necessary. I've made it to this place in under a year, and I'm clear across the country from where I started and just gathering my necessary pieces.
I'm happy and very close to whole.
inspiring!
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