Sometimes We Just Have To Know

It's been a few weeks since the last entry, but I am careful with my writing dependent on my emotional state, which has been something like a kaleidoscope.

The past few weeks have been full of blessings and a bit of heartache, but all in all, good foundation has been put into place. There's an understanding that I like to focus on, which is basically that my life is what I make it. I know that's not news or the first time anyone has said it, but there is a difference in knowing it and believing it. I feel like most people definitely know it; you put in the work, you get results. However, to take it a step further, I feel that if you believe it in your heart, as well as know it as truth, the things that your heart desires most will fall into place. The seeds that you've sewn will begin to bare fruit.

This perspective comes from my own personal journey throughout my life. In the last few months, I've blogged about showing up, not being fearful of what's to come, and ultimately just recognizing the good in life. It's no secret that I'm a follower of Christ, not religion, and I stand on the relationship that we have. I don't impress what I believe onto other people, but I make my stance no secret.

Several times this year, I have found myself stressed about bills, relationships, my future and the lack of clarity as to which way it would go, but I had to change that. I'm not the type of person to allow stress to take hold of me, so when I find that it has, I give myself just a small amount of time (less than 24hrs) to shake it off. The stress I had was about things that I couldn't do anything about and if I could, then I needed to change the situation. So, I literally took a step back and told myself not to worry about these things. I had to be okay with outcomes that I couldn't predict and believe things would be fine based on the facts; I live a life that is blessed through and through, I have no reason to stress. The next day, things were happening for me and cleared up everything that I was worried about.

Well, for a little while I forgot to practice this way of thinking. I believed it to be true because it worked for me, but not knowing that I could just as easily get right back into that way of living, I was stuck for a while (more than a day).

Last Friday, I was having this conversation with my BFF, and he had to remind me that I am in control of the life I want to live. It was the most enlightening day I have ever had. It wasn't just that I remembered I could change my situation emotionally, it was also me realizing who I am. In short, I am very talented and nothing can stop me. Realizing our worth and capabilities is something that I feel most people never really seek out. Well, I'm here to say it makes a difference. In under a week, I have been given new tires for my truck (4), gotten two more jobs that don't conflict with one another, sold a painting and picked up 3 new clients at the gym...amongst other things. I can't express how good life feels right now, but imagine feeling very low, and instantly winning the lottery! That's what it feels like. I could still be stressed about some of the same things, but WHY!? Right now, the good is outweighing the bad, and the bad isn't really bad, it's more like temporary. I can handle that.

The seeds that we sew in our lives can be good seeds or bad seeds. We can't plant weeds and expect roses. That's not how this works. There's a lot of different terminology that can be used in a conversation such as this, but there is only one point- Know in your heart and mind that you can change your circumstances if you don't like it. If you are stressed, choose to be done with stress. It does no good for anyone, and it's not even productive. Why waste the energy?! I encourage you to try it. As a matter of fact, let me know how it goes.

Quiet Time

It seems that since I've moved out here to WA, I have been on an ever-moving pathway. I am most encouraged to know that I've been moving forward, even if only inches. What I've been reflecting on most recently is that I am moving through seasons. Now personally, I know (and most who know me) that it's full court press when I have my sights set on something, and as the fire dies, I set my sights on another area. It can be a good or bad thing, but I see it as adventurous, which freaks most people out! How do you settle on one thing for some unlimited amount of time when you are capable of so many things? So this is where my head has been lately.

Wait- Typically, fasting is kept as a secrecy, but in this case, I'm sharing with you all that I am, because it is making all the difference right now. It is my way of being in solidarity with one of my guys in Graterford. It does your spirit some good to be on one accord with someone, and the goal is growth. I feel like the fast came right on time, because while all these moments of quiet are pretty forced, my body is also being forced to sustain in an uncomfortable way as well. My comfort zone is being set further and further away...I'm okay with that.

So, my best friend, Qadree, left for Afghanistan last week, and we talked everyday, several times a day. So, needless to say, that constant flow of venting or just thinking out loud with a bit of feedback has slowed up quite a bit. My other phone conversations have come to a halt as well. I find that I'm not used to my space being so quiet. I'm not used to keeping things in, so I meditate (if I'm not watching 24!). I'm writing and painting and praying. I'm moving forward. I am working to better understand myself and the relationships around me. People come into our lives at different times and for different reasons, and eventually we find out why, if we've been paying attention. Sometimes the issue just becomes, how long are they supposed to stay and what is it that we are to get from or give to them when it comes to purpose and growth.

I have so many goals, mainly just complete independence, but I would like to see that all the way through. I want a house for myself and to be in a position to help all the people that have helped me along in some way, without it being a struggle. Perhaps my reason for giving a try at all my gifts every now and then is because the ultimate desire is to stay with the one that gives me sustaining joy; the gift that I can utilize that will allow me to grow completely, as well as have complete freedom to comfortably move around in this life. I've never believed in doing things/working in a place that doesn't make us happy or fill us with joy, so I know that's not the life I'm destined to live. I believe in struggle and pushing ourselves, but the results should be positive/edifying.

In this quiet time, these are the things that I'm focusing on. I encourage you to take some personal time to reflect and possibly piece together a plan that will allow you to be your best possible self.

Is It Enough?

The roller coasters no longer have height limitations

and seem to be absent of loopty-loops.

They have higher heights and

rage into deeper valleys.

I stand back wondering how to go about

fixing these magnificent waves of turmoil,

but it is not my own to freely go about banging,

checking weak areas,

tightening loose joints,

applying more oil

and wiping away condensation.

Carrying heavy loads suggests

we use our knees, not our backs.

So I pray without ceasing,

for those that don't,

for those that cease,

for those that lay down.

There is conditioning required

when more weight is added

to prevent injury.

My conditions lack.

I want to have the answer.

I want to apply the salve.

I speak to the Balm,

Lord please...

So I remember,

"To whom much is given..."

I wait for assistance.

And sometimes prayer is all we've got- all that I've got.

Remove the sickness.

Let Your will be done.

Encamp Your angels all around.

Forgive us.

Mend the broken heart.

Show her what she's worth.

Give him refuge.

If she WANTS to believe, let me be more like you, with more of you in me.

Believing it is already done.

So Many Reasons To Be Grateful, I Wish I Spoke Several Languages

"Life is good," is what I keep playing over and over in my head. I am grateful. I have no complaints and even when I could have, I chose to be grateful for what I didn't have a complaint about. It feels like life is falling into place. Not just falling into place, but the day to day living has been enhanced with good company, good conversations, fighting for my hearts desires, painting, working with/for family, and getting to spend time with people that listen and know the core of me; why I operate the way I do.

A close family member was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and although waking up in this reality can be hard for her, she has still managed to find the pros in this sneak attack and conjure up a smile. Life is still young for her and there are so many reasons that depression could easily set in and begin to spread, but that is not the route she has chosen. How foolish would I be to complain of anything.

Keep her in your prayers.

I am currently in the middle of my next painting, which is more of a representation of something much larger. A friend has commissioned me to help decorate her new place with my work and so far she loves what I've come up with. Not good at pricing my work, but doing work for the people I love is so priceless. I should be done with this representation by tomorrow and I'll get it posted.

Just before posting this blog, I finished applying for this call to artists here in Seattle. I began painting like I've been because of it, and I knew I had to get some work together. I had to have at least 8-20 images for them to choose from. Basically the committee is looking for vibrant colors and images that can be seen from near and far. That's me right!? I feel confident that I'll get at least ONE image chosen out of the 8 I sent in. There can be up to 3 images chosen, but I'll take the one. They pay $1000 for each, if chosen.

...and breath.

I am constantly surrounded by art, great people and family. Although my confidence in such areas like who I am, my purpose, my style as an artist, and being the friend/family/confidant/partner that the people around me need me to be, I am confident in knowing that everyday I do the most I can to remain honest when I say, "I am trying."

To you and to me, I am grateful for the role you've played in my life.

Go ahead, Get Comfy

The last week or so has been such an emotional roller coaster. Of course there's the ever-present bills that are due and over due, then there's the never-ending fight to maintain and sustain relationships, and at the end of it all, staying hopeful despite what may seem obvious.

It's been about a week since the last painting, but I intend to get started on the next one today. I plan to enter a few of them into this competition for placing art in the community. There is a monetary reward for them, but it's weird because that's what we want ultimately, yet that's not easy for me to succumb to. It's like I have to put a price on this part of me, this extension of myself and hope someone finds it worth their time/money. What am I doing for real?

On another note, I got to do some manual labor over the past two days and make a nice piece of change. It feels like the catching up is coming to an end, and I would like to just get ahead from there.

I saw SAMO last night

in a woman's home.

Hanging there, overexposed

All vulnerable and premature.

I could've touched him,

but he touched me.

As I received each word from his blackboard,

My eyes welled up

I hid behind the balusters

waiting.

Raptures and What Not

So, if you're reading this, it's safe to say you didn't make it into heaven for the first go 'round.

The jokes have been endless...really. I mean really, it's been the end of days since the beginning of days and predictions are being made every time someone gets creatively obsessed. I'm over it, BUT I will continue with residual laughter.

Besides waking up on Saturday morning, the weekends are becoming more work and play. My weekend bootcamps aren't moving forward as I hoped they would by now, but until there's reason to stop, I'll keep showing up.

I am determined to get into somebody's gallery and I also have to keep my motivation at a 10. I finished drawing up the next painting, which took much concentration and several breaks. I'll lay down the paint today.

I had several interesting conversations this weekend, and within each of them I think I found out a little bit more about me. If I could create an umbrella to encompass these conversations, it would simply be about love, compassion and control.

I am a lover. I love hard, unconditionally and sometimes to extents that leave me wanting more of it. Pretty safe to say, as we get to know people, we share and we withhold. I've found that I am more likely to share, in hopes that something genuine and solid can form a foundation for future disclosure. However, when rejection answers my call, I'm left with less of me and a more calculated way of being. Calculating the emotions and desires that are/should be organic, leaves a very insecure state of being.

Just follow me...I'm putting some cards on the table.

So, this is the thing...

I want to encourage people to love like it's brand new every time. In loving folks just for being present in your life, you can heal some broken places and you may even be withholding the key they've needed to unlock the hiding place no one ever found them in. It seems to me, when you really pay attention, as well as listen to people, you bridge a gap. Just because we don't have the same situations, doesn't mean we can't have the same range of emotion. My point being, sometimes we just need to walk it out with people; meet them where they are. If you have joys or pains, use that memory and familiarity to connect. Make the connection and inspire. You never know, you might be the one in need.

It's Happening

Yesterday I finished the semi-mural for my hiking buddy's kid's bathroom. I had a ball painting. I spent all day Tuesday working on it and about an hour yesterday. I love it! I love being able to do what I love for a portion of my living. It's like, if I were a little kid, I'd be getting paid for recess! I'm gaining confidence in myself and my gifts, and I can't help but feel like I'm moving forward; being prepared for an awesome future. Bally isn't my ideal place to be, but I do love what I get to do while I'm there. I'm in a place where I absolutely love everything I'm doing, and that's everything.

I'm still waiting to hear back about the job, but I don't feel as anxious and my spirit has finally calmed down as far as the, "what then, if it doesn't happen?" I recognize that whatever happens, will still be good for me. We can choose our paths, and sometimes, when there's some sub-path that we didn't see coming, we freak out. I'm not freaking out. I've named my life's motto, Just Show Up, and that is what I intend to do. It seems that when I just simply show up, I am able to receive whatever is meant for me, and sometimes even more than I could've imagined.

Stay Motivated.